CASE FILE: BEN°
01 / 11
SIGNAL SENT · Ben's phone just buzzed · he is pretending not to look.
Confidential · Prepared exclusively for Lauren · Q3 2026
The Case
for Ben™
A data-driven proposal for your review. Estimated runtime: four minutes. Estimated upside: potentially enormous.
PREPARED BY Ben, Business Intelligence Analyst
CONTENTS 11 slides · 5 metrics · 1 cat
RED FLAGS 0 critical (disclosures, slide 09)
FIG. 01 · SUBJECT: BENVERIFIED ✓
scroll to review ▼
Slide 02 / 11 · The Opportunity
You left an opening.
INSTEAD OF GRABBING DRINKS, LET'S
"create PowerPoints about random topics and present them to each other."
Lauren, publicly, on her own dating profile
I am a Business Intelligence Analyst. I make slide decks with charts for a living. You said this to me.
I consulted my calendar and my ego. Both were free. What follows is Exhibit A.
Slide 03 / 11 · Executive Summary
Why you should date me, in five metrics.
KEY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS · UNAUDITED · SELF-REPORTED · MOSTLY TRUE
01 · AVAILABILITY
100%
Single. Fully unallocated. Zero prior claims on the asset.
02 · READINESS
Mingle-ready
Operational. Ready to deploy on short notice.
03 · CULINARY OUTPUT
3dishes*
Mashed potatoes on request. Chili mac from scratch. Bread, baked in-house.
04 · DEPENDENTS
1cat
Her name is Lily. She owns a bowtie. See slide 07.
05 · SANDWICH GEOMETRY
△ Elite
Triangles. Always. This is a whole slide (05).
* Menu subject to expansion. The mashed potatoes are the floor, not the ceiling.
Slide 04 / 11 · Company Overview
Meet the asset.
FIG. 04 · ON-SITE AT PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT.
Lightning McQueen, Esq. (shirt) not affiliated with this pitch.
Lightning McQueen, Esq. (shirt) not affiliated with this pitch.
EXHIBIT · "ME IN THE WILD"
EXHIBIT · OFF THE CLOCK
Slide 05 / 11 · Product Deep-Dive
You go crazy for sandwiches cut in triangles. I need you to sit down.
It says so right on your profile. It's a core competency of mine. I have prepared a technical briefing.
FIG. 05 · CANONICAL CUT · PATENT PENDING (IN MY HEART)
FIRST-BITE SATISFACTION INDEX (n=1, me)
TRIANGLE
97
RECTANGLE
34
CIRCLE*
12
* Cutting a sandwich into a circle is a cry for help. We will discuss it gently.
The bread is baked in-house, from scratch. The triangles are load-bearing. This is my ministry.
Slide 06 / 11 · Requirements Compliance
Your green flags. Audited.
CANDIDATE CROSS-CHECKED AGAINST STATED REQUIREMENTS
✓
Kindness
PASS
Exhibit: adopted a cat, dresses her in formalwear, received a Father's Day cupcake from said cat. Case closed.
✓
Makes their bed in the morning
PASS*
* Compliant on days I anticipate being audited. Encouragingly, that is now most days.
✓
Likes desserts
EXCEEDS
I don't just like desserts. I bake the bread they're adjacent to. Ask me about the bread. Please.
3 / 3 REQUIREMENTS MET
STATUS: FULLY COMPLIANT · CLEARED FOR DATING
FIG. 07 · CMO "LILY" · pictured presenting the Father's Day cupcake she got me.
Slide 07 / 11 · Meet the Team
Chief Morale
Officer: Lily.
TITLEChief Morale Officer & Head of Household Security
TENURELonger than any of my exes. No further questions.
ACHIEVEMENTSWears a bowtie without complaint. Has never once made a PowerPoint. The one thing she cannot do that I can.
REFERENCEAvailable on request. She will vouch for me. Probably.
Pro: comes with a cat. Con: comes with a cat's opinions.
Slide 08 / 11 · Due Diligence
You gave me two truths and a lie. I ran the numbers.
SUBJECT: LAUREN · CLAIMS UNDER REVIEW
① Ordained minister plausible. You seem like you'd officiate for fun
② Allergic to tomatoes flagged for review
③ Brendan Fraser held my hand believed with my whole heart
TURNABOUT · MY THREE · GUESS THE LIE
① I've worked at Disney for a decade.
② Beetlejuice the musical made me openly weep.
③ I have never once made a spreadsheet for personal reasons.
// One of these is a lie. This entire website is the tell. Answer revealed on the date.
EVIDENCE LOG · Natural habitat: Times Square. Note the Beetlejuice marquee, upper left. This is what I geek out on. Consider yourself warned, and possibly invited.
Slide 09 / 11 · Risk Factors & Disclosures
Known bugs. Shipping anyway.
✓ No critical vulnerabilities found. Recommend proceeding to production (a date).